Monday, January 11, 2010

Maybe a little bit psychic...

So I went to a psychic in New York.

These guys are everywhere, and are almost as common as pizza parlours and those 'I love NY' tee shirt sellers. They're easy enough to spot with their neon signs on the street 'psychic readings, $5', and while I had had my tarot read in Edinburgh, I figured I would see how the competition fared.

So I found a pizza parlour, washed my hands, and went next door to a psychic. This particular psychic was co located inside a nail salon, in a back room. I entered to find a Jabba-esque woman absorbing her chair, who was suffering from some kind of awake apnoea, and I kept wondering if she would survive the reading or if I'd have to risk my pizza and revive her.

I chose the standard reading, which included 'two palms and a face'; covering life, money, and love. A summary follows:

- I am supposed to be rich, but something went wrong

- I am a very generous, giving person, though am often misunderstood

- Many of my friends are jealous of me, and actively work against me to impede my success

- I will meet my soul mate soon, and be married in two years

- I will get divorced not long after this

- Three kids (two boys and a girl) are in my future. More than one mother

- I will have everything I want by age 44 (apparently including at least one divorce)

- God has blessed me in my life, but somebody cursed my mother by performing black magic against her while she was pregnant with me, by stealing some of her jewellery and burying it in a graveyard. This means that I haven't been as lucky as I should have been, and

- I have a very black aura

I certainly had no idea that I was supposed to be rich, and especially no idea that my mother had ever had any jewellery stolen. So, wanting to do good by my mum I asked her what could be done.

This can be fixed, she said, and the curse against me can be lifted. But it would be expensive - around $450 for nine days' prayer and meditation on my behalf, as well as the lighting of nine candles (one each day). She did advise me not to worry about the money, as once the curse was lifted money would start pouring in and it would be a drop in the bucket of my wealth.

I told her I needed to think about it. She advised me to pray on it, in a church. Hey, psychics can be Christians too.

So Soul Mate, if you're reading this, I apologise that I was too cheap to save our love.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

1 comment:

  1. Why are you apologising, Steve? It would have ended in a horrible, gut-wrenching break-up a few years later anyway. Maybe it's better this way.

    I could never be a mother to your children, anyway.

    What if you find a new thing to want when you're 45?